new year

It's our first new year without Dad. My mom requested that we celebrate the new year far from home. She fears that she will only get sad seeing the places where Dad usually stayed at. It was suggested that we spend New Year's Eve at my brother's new place - a unit at the 5th floor of a condo-ish apartment in the city. There we will have a good view of the metro's fireworks display. It was a good idea, however, there are no lifts there yet. My grandmother will have a hard time going up the stairs. Grandma proposed that half of us go there while the rest stayed at the family house. Of course it's a bit against the usual Filipino tradition for families to spend the new year together (and remain a strong unit throughout the entire year, according to superstition), so most of us agreed to following urban legends leaving us here, at home, complete.

Dad will still be celebrating with us but my mom needs not worry. We will just create new, happier memories of the new year for her. We've set up our house to look 'zen' - with the lights, ambiance and all. I'm sure Dad will appreciate the effort we've done to help Ma recover.

Happy new year to everyone!

Here are some really ugly pictures taken from our grilling station.

Yeah, I know, my Tab doesn't take good low-light pictures. It sucks monkey balls. And yes, we are grilling barbeques in the dark.

mobile

Does this thing work? I'm posting this from the Blogger Android app that I've downloaded. The official app is not available for users outside the US so, yes, I got this from my usual shady sources.

I hope this post gets published correctly.

What happens if I attach a picture here? Hmm...

nonong

We weren’t ready for this, Dad. But I know you were. You seem to have seen this coming for quite some time now and you were able to make the necessary preparations. I could tell that even until your very last minute, you were still thinking of nothing else but your family. You always had things planned out for us.

It seems as if you have selected the right day, the right time and the right place for your passing. You collapsed when I was just about to leave for work; when Dustin chose to stay home; on the chair that we conveniently used to carry your body downstairs; and on the day when we can get the funds needed to get through this endeavor. It is as if you had things all figured out. You made sure that you wouldn’t be giving us a hard time. Even to your death, Dad, your family is all you’ve ever thought of.

If only we've seen it sooner. If only we've realized and appreciated everything you've done for us at a much earlier time, we could have done something for you as well. How I wish that things could have been a bit different. How I wish that I could have hugged you tight not because we were loading your seemingly lifeless body onto the vehicle to bring you to the hospital, and instead hugged you to make you feel how much we love you. How I wish now for a lot of other things for you - but I know it’s already too late. And being the patient father you are, you are most probably smiling down on us from heaven for thinking like this.

Thank you, Dad, for everything you’ve done for us. This is something we will not take for granted. For what it’s worth, you have done a mighty fine job. In your own simple way, you have given us the best love and affection that a father could ever give. We are very lucky to have had a father like you – and I do say that from the bottom of my heart.

This rest has been long overdue, Dad. After years of sacrifices, of exhibiting patience and selflessness, it’s about time you took a break. But Dad, we have one last request for you before you leave us entirely. This may be hard for you to do but please, just this once, try to think of yourself now and enjoy your stay there in heaven. That is for you. That is your reward. That is what you deserve.

Until we meet again, we will always keep you in our prayers.

We love you, Daddy.

I love you, Daddy.

Sit back now on your comfortable recliner, relax, and rest in peace.

back then, back now

I just remembered how playing the guitar makes my back hurt. After several years, thanks to the very ‘motivational’ talk I had with Chad, I’ve decided to pick up one and start studying it again. I never was good before and I don’t think I can be any better now. I know this because after attempting to play a Jack Johnson song for an hour, my back started aching again and I can’t seem to sit up straight anymore. I had to stop. The guitar is a bit small so I had to slouch whenever I play sitting. Maybe next time, I should have it slung across my back and just remain standing.

* * *

Is it never too late to learn a musical instrument? I think I’ve tried almost all the basic ones. I had piano lessons as a child. I was given a guitar when I was 10 or 11. We got a drum set when I was in college. I tried studying, but I never got to be better at any of them. I like music a lot. Music just don’t like me. Haha… I just didn’t have the ear for it. I remember the feedback I got from my piano teacher back then; she said I was able to play all the songs because I memorized all the key combinations and the intervals upon which I should press them, and not because I understood the music. That is probably why I became an engineer. If only my logic can play good music.

sweet serendipity

It’s been a while since I felt this way again. I am thankful for all these little blessings that I’ve been given. From achievements, to new friends, to new inspirations and distractions, I am grateful for them all.

Everything does happen for a reason. I’m just thankful that a higher being is still watching over me despite my lack of faith.

Now, there’s only one last thing that I need to settle. It may be true that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but it is also true that absence can heal and mend wounds..

Some things may not actually be better together. Still… I will wait for things to fall into place and try to have a little more faith.

heaven sent

You are doing a might fine job. Being there when you are needed the most.

i.o.u.

You’ve always kept your part of the bargain. You’ve proven time and time again that you always had my back. But sometimes, somehow, doing what you are supposed to do wasn’t enough for me. It’s unfair, I know, and it’s me that’s the problem. I let my insecurities get the best of me. No, you didn’t do anything wrong – I just purposely look away when you do things right. I leave the equations unbalanced and then rub it to your face. And I am sorry.

In time I will learn how to fix this flaw. I just hope that my realization isn’t too late.

Until that time arrives, I will owe you.

the space between mediocrity and perfection

Dave Matthews is a god.

It’s amazing how his songs can change my mood in a snap of a finger (or a click of a mouse button.) I liked Crash Into Me the first time I heard it back in 1997 and I still love it now. This is one of the few timeless songs that will not ever leave my playlist. However, of all their songs (and all other songs perhaps), The Space Between is my favorite. If Crash Into Me is as good as how I make it sound to be, this one surpasses that tenfold. It has gotten me out of several downs and it never fails to instill hope in me each time I listen to it.

Thank God for good timeless music – and video, of course. Their music video for The Space Between, in my opinion, is still one of the best out there.

I wonder how it feels like to be him; having people rave about how good and inspiring his craft is.

* * *

“The Space Between
What's wrong and right
Is where you'll find me hiding, waiting for you
The Space Between
Your heart and mine
Is the space we'll fill with time”

falling out of it

Jack Johnson says it better.

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

the dilemma

If you are faced with a dilemma and you need to choose between two good things, my advice is for you to think of yourself first. Selfish as it may sound, you are of no use to others if you’re broken or incomplete. Always prioritize the options that can better benefit you and yourself alone. If you have taken good care of yourself both physically and emotionally, damage control (from not choosing the other option) wouldn’t really be a daunting task.

If you are choosing between doing something good versus doing something bad, that would be an entirely different story.

* * *

It was a sad day for me.

I made an effort not to get attached but it seems like I failed. Changes will come whether I like it or not and all I can do is accept it and move on.

Some people may not be the center of our solar system, but their absence will definitely cause a shift on our axes.

Auld Lang Syne.

i am intelligent

This article claims that Facebook appeals mostly to non-thinkers – or “dullards” to quote it. Based on a study that the authors conducted, they were able to see a relationship between an individual’s “need for cognition” and their Facebook usage. The people who used the social networking site more had lower interest in learning. Since I barely use social networking sites, I couldn’t agree more with the article.

Because I don’t find socializing fun, I can classify myself as a high-NFC (need for cognition) individual, which I think, makes me smart. Haha…

And my logic just disproved that.

idle hands

A four-day holiday weekend is coming up. It’s only Tuesday and already I’m in my “holiday mode.” I haven’t touched any of my work-related tasks and it’s probably going to stay this way until tomorrow.

It’s weird that I’m excited for the long weekend even if I have nothing planned for it. I don’t practice catholic traditions, I don’t fancy out of town trips, and obviously, I don’t like socializing with other people so I have four whole days with no major, major activities.

I do have a lot of things on my to-do list. I guess there isn’t going to be a better time to work on them than on this week. Also, with most people out on vacation, the malls would probably be empty (I wish) – which makes this a good opportunity for me to do my window shopping.

I just need to make sure that I accomplish something during this free time. Most of our holidays this year fall on a weekend so this will probably be the last long weekend in a while.

* * *

I wish I’ve got lots and lots of money that I can just easily book flights out of the country to visit my friends anytime I want. Just like those effing army general wives here in our country.

bad purchase day

I just bought a new pair of shoes. This is only my 3rd pair as I’m not really a fan of collecting shoes. I got it with a 40% discount so it was supposedly a good buy. I had my sights on the red version (pictured below) but I went home with a blue pair instead.

The thing that I hate the most about shopping for shoes is that retail stores here in our country barely have my size on stock. So imagine my delight when I found out that they have my size on the red ones. But of course, with my luck, things were too good to be true. The pair that they gave me, which was also the last set, was of poor quality. It had spots of dried glue everywhere. From afar, most of them weren’t noticeable except for one, which, unfortunately, is at the front tip of the right shoe. Every time you would look down at it, that dark spot will be the first thing that you will see. And its not just any kind of stain that you can easily get rid of, believe me, I was trying to scratch it off for a good 5 minutes or so. With no luck on the glue stain, I ended up purchasing a blue pair instead.

What’s weird is, I can’t find any pictures of the blue model on the internet! I hope these are not fake! I paid good money for these. Haha…

* * *

And as if that wasn’t enough, when I asked my brother to buy me a cheap pair of flip-flops for daily use (my four year-old ones finally turned to dust), he got me a pair in bright green. Yeah, bright green. Some people may look good wearing this. I’m just sure I’m not one them.

Same color but cheaper brand.

Oh, well… I’ll just have to convince myself that I like these new purchases. I can still have the flip-flops replaced but the amount of money that I would use to return to the mall would be enough to get me another pair. This is just another sunk cost fallacy trap waiting to be tripped.

* * *

If I can’t control my urges. This will be my next mistake:

Alms for the poor?

According to my 1st quarter statement of account, I wasn’t able to save any money at all. In fact, I even lost 1.4% of my total savings. I’m so very disappointed with myself for letting this happen.

It’s a good thing that the car loan ended last March. That’s going to be a HUGE load off of my monthly dues.

By the way, did you know that a healthy savings account needs to have at least 5 times your gross monthly salary? That’s what we’ve been told on a seminar about smart investments. I think the computation is relative to your salary because we need to factor-in your lifestyle. I was already on track years ago but due to a very unfortunate incident, I lost all of my money and assets. Thanks to my rotten luck and this stupid recession, I’m still in the recovery phase. But, I’m not concerned, really. I believe all poor people are with me on this when I say that money doesn’t equate to happiness. Hehe…

Accepting donations.

omega pain

menthol liniment + eyes = fun

I’ve got perpetual back pains so I always keep a liniment handy. When my back ached last night for some unknown reason, I reached for the ointment and applied it on the problematic area. Being the absentminded fool that I am, I also accidentally used the same hand to rub an itching eye afterwards.

The liniment did work on alleviating my back pain because all I ever felt was the hot burning sensation (and minty fresh coolness) on my left eye.

And no, I didn’t cry. I don’t cry. Ever.

everybody wants to be a chef

How many people do you know wants to be a chef – or at the very least, wants to learn how to cook?  I know a lot. I’m not sure if it’s just with my network of friends but it seems like cooking has been a ‘frustration’ for most of us. Our desire to learn how to cook may be drawn from necessity to feed ourselves, from curiosity to explore what we are capable of, or even from obsessive behavior to just be good at something.

Although my reason doesn’t really fit into any of those stereotypes, I may categorize myself along with those who needs to learn how to cook to fend for themselves. My reason is simple. I love to eat. A lot. Unfortunately, I don’t have that much money to be always buying takeaways from fancy restaurants. So, like any cheapskate would do, I try to make my own gourmet food. 

Over the weekend, I’ve been craving for burgers.

Hmmm… Burgers…

There was a time when I was experimenting on some chicken burger patties that I scavenged off my parent’s freezer and I was able to create something H.I.D-like (H.I.D is a food joint that sells great chicken burgers) by simply adding cajun spices, steak sauce, and some other stuff that I don’t really remember. I don’t usually document my ingredients for I like to think of myself as a prodigy who can magically make food taste better without following measurements or recipes. Haha… Anyway, I wanted to recreate that masterpiece so I went to the grocery to look for those chicken burger patties and to buy some spices. But since the nearest grocery that we have is just a small supermarket, I had very limited options. The only spices available on the shelves are the basic ones, and the only available meat are those pre-processed, ready-to-cook beef burger patties. Since I’m really itching to make burgers, I bought some really cheap pepper steak marinade, some spices, and three variants of those locally made ‘ulam-burger-type’ patties.

As soon as I got home, I thawed the meat, added both the spices and the marinade, and sprinkled over some Worcestershire sauce. It really smelled great when it was on the griller so I was really excited. Well, you may have already guessed what happened next. Once it was done, I took an itsy-bitsy portion from one of the patties to taste it and as soon as it touched my tongue, I was coughing like crazy from all the spices and from the saltiness of the marinade.

I think I may have discovered the recipe for rat poison.

Oh, well… I should have just bought fast food with the money that I had.  Disappointed, I nibbled on a piece of bread that’s topped with tuna spread.

perfect procrastination

I just diagnosed myself to having Contingent-worth anxiety. I honestly don’t know what those words mean but I am certain that it is what I have. I read that from an article in lifehacker and its timing couldn’t have been better.

Here’s my story.

I usually like going to work, believe it or not. I barely use my leaves and I’m very well motivated – that is until a few weeks ago.

I really can’t explain it. Suddenly, I just wanted to stop reporting for work. I wanted to use up all my leaves and just do other stuff instead. During that time, I haven’t put much though into it so I wasn’t sure if this mood was brought about by the fact that:

• I’m not properly compensated (We NEVER are, right?)
• Our team underwent another re-org
• Most of my closest friends have left the company
• I barely have the chance to touch-base with my friends at work

But it wasn’t due to any of those reasons. I know this because:

• I get by with the money that I have
• I don’t care whom my boss is reporting to
• My closest friends are still my closest friends even if we are no longer working for the same company
• Its not the end of the world if I don’t get to hear Mark’s jokes or listen to Therese’s and Isaac’s misadventures. Although not getting enough attention from them can be a little bit disheartening – but still, I can work without it.

So, for the past few weeks, I was stuck with this mood, not knowing how to handle it.

And then I stumbled upon this article on procrastination due to perfectionism. It states that some perfectionists (including me) tend to procrastinate a lot because they want to make our output as perfect as humanly possible. I didn’t know that you can even relate perfectionism with procrastination but it sure does make sense.

The task that I’m working on at the moment is not really doomed to fail, however, in my opinion, I just know that it won’t be successful either. I kept on delaying my deliverables hoping that I will find a way to make it work better. As the days go by, I dreaded the day my boss follows up on my task’s status. My anxiety grew more and more to the point where I felt stressed even if I’ve just spent half of my shift browsing non-work-related sites.

I haven’t fixed this problem yet, but, at least now, I know what it is that I’m dealing with. And it’s a start. Hopefully, by next week, I should be back to my normal productive self.

the side projects project

I have created a new blog called “the side projects project”. This is where I’ll be posting updates on the current hobbies (non-emo crap) that I’m focusing on. If you want to know how I waste my life away on things that aren’t really productive, please do go ahead and visit that site.

frivolity

In my quest to discover the things that I’m good at, I decided to spend time in gaming again. I had a phase wherein  I abstained from playing games because I had the notion that it was just wasting my life. Back in 2008, I was jobless (by choice) and I spent the whole year playing World of Warcraft. Of course after that year, I was like “what the hell happened?” But now, when I think about it, I can consider that as one of my happiest years – alongside my binge-drinking and PS-playing years in college. I didn’t have lots of money but I was having fun.

Yeah, I know, still, everything needs to be taken in moderation. I wish I have more time for playing games.

* * * 

You must be a nerd to understand this part.

I’m now officially a fan of the Uncharted series of games for the PS3. I just spent my 5 days of medical leave (courtesy of my literally twisted spine) playing Uncharted 2: Among Thieves and I think I may want to spend some more VLs for finishing the game in ‘crushing hard’ mode. It’s THAT effing good.

The intro alone was EPIC. I was almost pounding on the controls just to get Drake (the protagonist) to jump away from the falling rock – which I later figured out was beyond the player’s control.

 

My favorite part was when those mutated bluish monsters were terrorizing the hell out of Drake, Chloe and Elena late in the game. It took me like almost 50 tries just to kill one of them in hard mode. Haha… loser.

* * *

“(Laughs) Cute.”

time to go to war

Everyone has got talent. Some may know they have it, some may not. It can be in different forms. It can be an artistic capability, logical thinking, or even simple social skills. Others are lucky to have been blessed with talents that can earn them money. Like famous athletes, singers, actors and the like... they make tons of dough doing the things that they are naturally attuned to.

Unfortunately for some of us, including myself, we haven’t had the chance to discover what our talents are. Some of us haven’t had the opportunity to explore the other possibilities.

I can’t say that I’m good at something because, honestly, I haven’t really tried.

And so, like the cliché goes… It’s never too late. 30 is the new 20. Yeah, I made that up, but heck I’m sticking with it. Haha…

This year, like my idol Cobus, we should look good doing the things that we do best. And I’m going to start by figuring out what that is.

If you know what your talents are, you should strive to be someone else’s idol. Look good doing the things you do best.

* * *

This is my battle song. It’s time to go to war.

haxxx

I was planning on jail-breaking my PS3 but I wasn’t able to muster enough courage to do so. It was a good thing that I didn’t as a firmware update was recently released to address hacking. Curious about what the new firmware does, I googled it and found out that ‘hacked’ systems should still work but some people are getting banned from playing online games.

I know this sounds wrong but I’m rooting for Sony this time. I envy the people who are able to play ‘illegal’ games so I’m going to be a crab and pull these people down to where I am. Hehe… Honestly, I like playing legit games. I get to complete and master the games that I paid for (since I don’t have any other games to play.)

I think I want to buy this game:

mobile internet frustrations

I now have five friends working abroad. Because of this, I’m trying to be ‘OFW-friendly’ by keeping my Yahoo! Messenger signed in at all times on my mobile phone. In order for me to do that, I need a cheap data plan that has an upkeep that I can sustain. I am already paying for a wired DSL connection at home so anything that is within the DSL’s price range is already out of the question.

I’m currently trying the Nokia Messaging data plan with my Nokia C3 through Smart. With this service, I get unlimited IM, email, Facebook and Twitter access for a cheap price. It sounded too good to be true so I really wasn’t surprised once I encountered issues with it, My problem with the service is this… there are times when the connection gets really bad. There were times when IM messages would never actually reach me. If it does reach me, I get the messages after 5-10 minute delays. This is intermittent though. I can attest that when it works, it works fast. But when it doesn’t, well, good luck to you and your phone. If my phone wasn’t new, I would have thrown it at the wall out of frustration.

If worse comes to worst, if I can’t find any good yet cheap messaging service, I will pay for an unreliable wireless broadband service that will cost just as much as my reliable DSL connection. Or I’ll just almost always stay at home.

* * *

BTW, I almost bought an iPad. I wonder if I made the wrong decision. Well, anyway, I really can’t pay for it now with all my debts. Let’s consider this again 3 month from now.Yeah, and maybe I’ll get the Playbook instead.

expensively cheap toys

Halfway through 2010, I said to myself that I will no longer buy anything expensive for the rest of the year after purchasing an expensive watch. Of course, that didn’t happen. I bought a 32” LCD TV and a PS3 before the year ended.

I started 2011 with yet another purchase. I replaced my old phone, the ever reliable Nokia E63, with the cheaper Nokia C3. I downgraded because I really needed C3’s Nokia Messaging services. Surprisingly, among all the phone models that supports this service, only the C3 is capable of displaying alerts for new IM messages (I think). When I tried it on my E63, you only get notified with a high-pitched tone that you can easily miss.

Anyway, I will try my best to control my spending impulses this year.

When we lit up the prosperity candles that were given to us last new year’s eve, the candle that represented financial wealth burned the least. Oh, well…

january

This has been the longest, yet fastest month ever. It’s only halfway through and a lot has happened already. I’m already wishing for it to never end. Yes, I know, I’ve been stressed a lot of times. I got tired, grumpy, and even emotional. But despite all that, these could have been the happiest days of my life. All the troubles and all the drama are really worth it.

This year started out real good for me. I can’t wait for the other blessings that will come my way.

* * *

In all these confusion, I finally gave in to social networking. Ha. What’s next?

optimism

The end is where we usually begin. I’ve always thought that this phrase has a negative meaning. We usually relate this to ‘moving on’ after ending something good.

Today, however, I will give this a new meaning. We will end our hardships, our problems, our fears and our loneliness as we begin a new chapter in our lives.

For the next few days, several good friends will be leaving for good. I’m sensing that others may follow soon. So instead of being lonely, we will choose to think differently. 2011 will be a year of change for us. 2011 WILL give us something better.

I’ve jump-started my new year’s resolutions and ‘maintaining a positive outlook in life’ is way up on my list. There shouldn’t be any room left for moping.

* * *

Bon voyage, everyone. You guys owe me security blankets. Hehe…