excited much

6 more hours until someone important arrives. The sin is indeed worth the risk I'm taking but I'm very hopeful that something good will come out of this.

14 more days of anticipation for my overdue R&R. Yep, some much needed time-out from all these confusion would help me get to see the ball rolling (literally and figuratively) in time for the new year. Woot!

6 more weeks to go before I age another year and it's been one hell of a ride so far. A lot of unusually unhappy events unexpectedly yielded good results for me on my 33rd. I've got 6 more weeks to appreciate and to be thankful for them before another chapter in my life begins.

No, no, no, no... I will never forget.

  30 Seconds to Mars - Closer to the Edge
No, no... I will never regret.
Happy, Friday!

an unusual ally

It only took you ten days to rattle my world.

Ten nights. Through ten sleepless nights, I've learned how to hope for the better. With the usual pessimism and cynical disposition wiped off of my system, I've learned that I was actually capable of dreaming about a future that have always seemed impossible. Ten sleepless nights were all it took to make me believe that life can get even better with you.

Ten cups. Through ten cups of coffee and tea, I've learned how to remove all self-consciousness. A cup of Joe, your listening ear, and a very entertaining "couple" were all it took to make me speak my mind without hesitation. Unafraid of judgment and discrimination, my self-esteem got the boost that it desperately needed. With a cup in my hand and the sound of our laughter, I've never felt so happy being honest.

Ten fingers. Through ten fingers intertwined, I've learned how to focus on what's real. A gentle but firm grip between two hands was all it took to teach me the difference between what's "made up in my mind" and what's real and in front of me. With a tight squeeze that jolts me back to the real world, I've learned to accept that while it is not bad to dream, it is also not bad to know what's really going on and how it really is. I've learned that no matter how much I repeat to you what I wanted to happen, some things just can't change and must be accepted as it is.

Ten days. Ten days were all that's needed to alter the course of my life. I was on a rough patch and I was on the verge of giving up, but in ten days, you've managed to set me straight. In ten days you've helped me in ways you don't even know.

And in ten days, you are gone.

I may not know what will happen in the future but I know that I can wait ten lifetimes for you to come back. It may not be in this lifetime or the next, but I know, one day, things will go our way, my unusual ally.

gratitude

So, there was a motorcycle accident near our house early this morning. The rider hit the ground hard and is bleeding from his head. He may have injured his neck so the people who were there did not move him. I called for an ambulance and brought out an umbrella to, at least, shield the guy from the sun which was directly on his face. I didn't want to leave my umbrella so I decided to wait for the ambulance as well. People, probably his friends or family (a few drunk ones so I assume the rider was also drunk), were already there doing what needs to be done so I just quietly stood by the sidewalk, waiting and trying not to add to the chaos.

Suddenly, this guy came out of nowhere and started talking loudly about a man walking "wild" (yep, his exact term) dogs which "caused" the rider to fall off his bike. This guy then looked at me and said "I think it was you." (In Tagalog, of course.)

Considering the accident happened next to a speed bump (which obviously can cause accidents when you don't slow down) and with the rider thrown meters away from his bike, the weird guy was still able to come up with a very stupid story just to blame someone else for the accident. He was actually trying to pin this whole thing down to "a guy walking his dog" next to a speed bump, which, unfortunately, was supposedly me.

Wow, really? All I could do that time was raise an eyebrow and give him a smirk. I didn't even feel it was worth defending myself for. I could have easily made a fool of him but it would literally be adding insult to injury. With all the awkwardness in the air, the weird guy just stared at me accusingly the whole time until the ambulance came.

I swear this will be the last time I'll help strangers aside from calling cops or ambulances. It's just sad how this incident now makes me think twice about helping others.

two decades ago

How I wish I have his voice.

Pearl Jam - Oceans (Unplugged)
I saw this posted recently at Pearl Jam's Facebook page. Watching the video immediately brought back memories of when I first fell in love with this band. Listening to it now still gives me goosebumps like how it did decades ago.

* * *

I had a burst of artistic creativity at the office earlier today. After a long while, I got to sketch a really impressive piece of art. It was good, at least, for me since it's also been decades since I last tried sketching a design with a pencil on paper. I used to enjoy drawing and painting as a kid - I painted murals, drew comic books, and even participated in art contests at school. Unfortunately, the reality of needing to have a profession that earns money killed that passion for me. Although my hand can no longer draw straight lines like it used to, I'm still glad that it can still produce output that's beyond average. I hope in the future, I can get to enhance my artistic skills further.

blast from a non-existent past

I was suddenly in the mood for 80's feel-good music. I've been down in the dumps lately and I haven't been thinking straight these past few days.

Just a few minutes ago, out of nowhere, a familiar 80's tune started playing in my head. I wasn't doing anything when it happened. I wasn't watching the TV nor was anything playing in the background. It was weird how I suddenly had an 80's song playing in my head. I don't even know the name of the song or who sang it (because I'm not really a fan of music from that generation) but this particular song, while playing in my head, made me feel relaxed. Unfortunately, by the time I got to my computer to search for the name of the song, I already forgot what the lyrics were and how it went. And so, here I am, blindly searching YouTube for feel-good 80's music.

So far, this song has caught my attention:

Phil Collins - Take Me Home

I did listen to Phil Collins songs as a child. My parents exposed me to a wide range of music so, somehow, I could say that there was a time in my life when I sang to this. It does feel good listening to it now.

* * *

And after a few more minutes of searching, I finally found the song that was playing in my head earlier. It turns out to be from the 70's - contrary to my assumption that it was an 80's song. Anyway, these songs are not really my forte so sue me. It's a love song from Dan & John Ford Coley called "I'd Really Love To See You Tonight." Come to think of it, after reading the lyrics, I may know exactly why this song suddenly played in my head. Hehe...

Dan & John Ford Coley - I'd Really Love To See You Tonight

periodic life crisis

When we reach a certain age, we realize that time is no longer a luxury we can afford. Knowing that there are things in life that we may no longer be able to experience given everyone’s unique circumstances and chosen paths, we can’t help but still feel inadequate. The most that we can do is to just live our dreams through the eyes of other people who somehow managed to do so while wondering about all the “what-if’s” that passed us by. But is this really how our story goes?

“Fate is coming, that I know.

Time is running, got to go.

Faith is coming, that I know.

Let it go."

Thirty Seconds to Mars - Do or Die

Regardless of age, society, culture, and all the other petty circumstances that’s been hindering us to live the life we’ve always dreamt of… we shouldn’t be afraid to give our dreams a shot and we shouldn’t be afraid to give it our all. Time is relative anyway. 

"Here right now

Under the banner of heaven , we dream out loud

Do or die, and the story goes

On... on... on…”

It’s do or die.

my fountain of youth

I grew up to a generation of baggy-pants-clad punk bands from the 90's so fast-paced music has a very special spot in my heart. There was a time when everything playing on my radio consisted of high-pitched squeals from shaggy vocalists who try their best to look as if they couldn't care less what people think of them.

Even if they were the hipsters of our time, I still couldn't deny that I enjoyed their music. I recently stumbled upon this really great cover of "I miss you" and listening to it made me feel like a teenager again. I've had this playing on repeat for the past few days and I still can't seem to get enough of the bass guitar.

One Mile Left - I Miss You (Blink 182 Cover)

5.3.14

There are some nights that you simply don't want to end. 

there's more to life than that

"Up to the Twentieth Century, reality was everything humans could touch, smell, see, and hear. Since the initial publication of the chart of the electromagnetic spectrum, humans have learned that what they can touch, smell, see, and hear is less than one-millionth of reality."

Incubus - New Skin

* * *

While searching for the video of Incubus' New Skin, the "Ten Stories of Greatness" advertisement from Globe Tattoo came up. For some reason, the first 5 seconds of the ad got my attention so I let it play and watched the entirety of it. I can't believe I'd say this, but, okay... yes, it was actually good. You got me watching a commercial.

The YugaTech guy is featured in that video. At first, I hated him with a passion. I hated how he can be cocky with his posts and I hated how he seems to be giving-off a self-righteous vibe that shouts "I've made all the right choices in life. Look at my new car." I also hate the way he construct his sentences. Haha... But despite that, you've got to admit that he has indeed come a long way with his accomplishments. I just wish he'd stop boasting too much about material things. If he becomes a little bit more humble, I'm sure he'd be a great inspiration to many, including me.

* * *

"Fallacious cognitions,
spewed from televisions,
do mold our decisions.
So-stop-and-take-a-look-and-you'll-see-what I see...... na...aaaw..eee.e.ee.eee.eee..."

Yes, I know how to talk guitar.

fixed

Finally fixed the embedded YouTube videos to display properly on mobile devices. Had to manually use iFrames for it. Stupid Blogger editor can't seem to do it right on its own.

suspense and murder

During our yearly check-up, the doctor read my blood pressure as 140/100. I don't really know what that means but he said that it's bad if I get the same readings after three consecutive days. Although I'm not really eating the right food, I've regulated my intake to "reasonable" amounts so I don't think the spike in pressure was caused by my diet or choice of food. I also have been doing my daily cardio for my perpetually aching back so I've got some activities that sort of keeps me "fit." So, with these out of the equation, I guess the only suspects left here are: this upcoming work-related deadline that I've been dreading... And... the suspense of waiting for you to reply to my messages. Hahaha... Yes, you. If you ever get to read this, you'll realize that you just unknowingly tried to kill me. Hehe...

Anyway, I think I've bothered you enough last night so I'll try my best to leave you be for a few days.

android is not for the lazy

I just found out that the mobile version of this blog doesn't display videos correctly on the Android platform. I've tried both the default Android browser and Google Chome; both just displayed a placeholder complaining about missing plugins. I'm not really sure if there's an easy fix since I'm not in the mood to troubleshoot such dumb problems. Google owns Blogger, Google owns Youtube, Google owns Chrome, and Google owns Android. Why the hell can't the Youtube video I embeded on my Blogger page can't play correctly out-of-the-box on Chrome for Android?

To make things worse, the Blogger app is not available in my local PlayStore. I hate to say this but Google let me down today. So, I'm posting this using IOS.

it's not complicated

I've always thought that I was good at picking up social cues. I may be introverted and I may have very few friends, but what most people don't know is that most introverts are actually good at socializing. We just don't enjoy it as much as other people do but when the need comes, we can be really good conversationalists. I've always thought that if I really wanted to, I can talk with almost any kind of person. As in anyone. Well, as it turns out... I just verified that I've got a kryptonite. I can't seem to hold a good conversation with socially awkward people. I become one when I'm with them. And it hurts my brain just trying to assess the social cues they're dropping. I have been trying to befriend someone who may be one and I'm not sure if I should go on or if my presence has been slowly killing them this whole time.

Anyway, we should dare to fail, right?

* * *

It's all up to you now, Batman. (Bahala na si Batman.) Haha!

start of something beautiful

It's been years since I last joined a company-sponsored summer outing. I made the right choice. I had fun.  

And like what I've said before, based on my superficial judgement of you, you like attending company-sponsored events. And now, I think, so do I.

It's been almost a year and a half now since you last turned me down. I really hope that you'll reconsider this time. You'll be making the right choice. I'll make sure that it'll be fun.

Ed Sheeran - Lego House

Creepy. And eerily appropriate? Haha....

thinking too much

I have a really weird but interesting dream just now. i dreamt that a very good friend of mine, who I've been very protective of over the years, just had a minor car accident. He somehow hit an old van while he was backing up out of his parking space with his AUV. Of course being the mindful friend that I am, I came to his rescue and presented myself to speak with the other party while he was still in shock. My friend is a bit timid and soft-spoken so I've always been under-estimating him. 

Anyway, before I completely forget the plot, I'll just jot it down in bullets.

- At first, I was wondering why he didn't just make a run for it. He hit a parked car. He could have just pretended nothing happened and went his way. And then I thought maybe someone saw or heard him hit the other car. So, okay, in my dreams, I'm evil.

- The owner of the other car, a beautiful yet dumb-looking girl, when out looking both angry and flusterred at the same time. It turns out she's been drinking and is already in the process of getting drunk. The evil me decided to take advantage of her state by confusing her. I was very apologetic on behalf of my friend and tried my best not to confront her. That last thing we wanted was an argument with a drunk person so I played it cool and just kept apologizing to her until she wasn't angry anymore.

- Usually, from where I come from, not everyone has car insurance. And since her van is old, I assumed that she wasn't insured anymore. The fact that she was demanding payment for the damages upfront proves that she wasn't. My friend, on the other hand, was. The other party didn't want to go through the trouble of having to coordinate with an insurance company so she insisted that we just pay a certain amount in cash, right then and there. It wasn't that big of an amount but I knew that we could shell out less money if we claim insurance.

- I convinced my friend not to give in to the other party's demand and call the police instead to file an incident report that we can use to claim insurance benefits. In my mind, I was cooking up an evil scheme. I was thinking of a way to get things in our favor by using the girl's drunken state. Maybe we can make up a lie and the police will find the other party less credible because she's taken too much alcohol.

- We were able to convince the other party to call the police instead of just paying her cash. I made up scenarios that we used to convince her that this is the better route. I even told her that she can trick the insurance company into giving her more money. (I'll just remind you guys that these all happened in a dream, so please don't judge me. Haha.)

- She agreed and told us that she'll just call her friend to come join us at the police station. Of course, having her friend accompany her is going to be bad for us. But I still agreed, wishing that her friend is also drunk. She went inside the restaurant where we were parked infront off and came out with her friend. To my dismay, her friend was sober... And much worse, her friend is an overly-protective and aggressive lesbian.

- The moment her friend stepped out, she was already spitting testosterone everywhere. She even threatened to have our heads in a plate or something. She was bent on having us pay the highest amount of "participation fee" that even having insurance will make us broke. In my dream, she was believable for some argument I can't remember. Of course, my plans were ruined so I've got to think off another evil scheme fast.

- I then came up with the idea that I'll somehow lure the lesbian friend elsewhere while my friend and the other driver settle on a more reasonable price. I have forgotten some of the events at this point but I knew that I convinced the dyke to walk with me to a fictitious police station while both our friends stayed and hopefully settle on a reasonable amount. We don't have 911, and neither do we know the police dispatch hotline so she agreed to walk with me to the nearby imaginary police station that I made up.

- After pretending to be confused and after dlivering lines like "I could've sworn there was a police station here." We went back to check on our friends. I was hoping that my friend is as evil as me and was able to take control of the situation.

- A bit nervous, I was doubtful of my friend's skill to haggle with the other party. And as it turns out, My doubts were correct. My friend looked defeated. Somehow, the drunk girl coerced him into paying almost 10 times more than the original price she was asking of earlier.

- I was really angry. But then my dream ended. I woke up cold because I forgot to cover myself up with a blanket.

So what was that about? I have the weirdest, yet elaborate dreams. Even in my sleep, I'm figuring out loopholes. Haha...

Anyway, I'm not sure what my dreams were telling me. I'm not sure if its telling me not to meddle with other people's problems? Or maybe that being evil will get you into deeper sh*t? Or maybe I must not be too confident that I can get out of a tight squeeze easily? Or maybe it's telling me that I shouldn't under estimate my friends... My dream ended abruptly so I wasn't able to verify if my friend had an ace up his sleeve.

I don't know. I guess I'll never know.

the empath

Contrary to the emo-ness of my previous post, I actually have been doing well. I think I was just bored and I was really into that 8stops7 song (that I have channelled the lyrics all too well) when I was writing that post.

I have been reading about empathy recently and I may have some distinct traits that are common with empaths. I'm not sure if the tests I took are credible, but some do say that I may be getting too affected by the things surrounding me.

I was watching TV earlier - well, I was channel surfing because I have the attention span of 5-year-old kid - and I tuned-in to a show where the protagonist was about to do something humiliating. I watched as the show built-up the suspense up to the point where the character was about to humiliate himself, but then I couldn't bring myself to watch him do so. I immediately switched channels with my eyes half-closed. I always do that. I couldn't even sit through an episode of American Idol (no, not because the show sucks...) because I don't want to watch the parts where some contestants botch up their songs.

If you are like me, then you may probably be an empath as well. The problem with this is, when I'm not aware that I'm empathizing, I tend to become overly-dramatic about the small stuff. Maybe this is because I'm not able to brush off the emotional residue I've acquired from others and I somehow make it my own? There are actually a lot of people like me who don't know that they take up a large amount of  unnecessary sh*t from other people and let it affect themselves. I'm guessing that this is also the same reason why I'm introverted. Hanging around with a lot of people can really be tiresome if I'm unconsciously empathizing with them.

But then again, this isn't entirely true.

I had a conversation with Ivan about life the other day. Unlike most of my friends, Ivan falls under the "financially troubled" category. You'd expect that our conversation would be too emotionally draining, but no... It was actually the opposite. Despite the hardships that "less fortunate" people go through, you'll be amazed at how some people can easily laugh their way through them and still remain optimistic. We laughed about how he managed to survive with a can of Spam and lots and lots of rice for two days. And we laughed about the things he has to do just to get through the day. It really is all just a matter of perspective and it's fortunate for me that as an empath, I was able to absorb his enthusiasm, optimism, and hope.

esteem

"Hello, hello? Did you find your self-esteem?"

Yep, I've got issues.

Maybe because I was born a middle child that I've become prone to being envious of the people around me. I've got a constant need to be better than everyone else because, by default, that is the only way for me to get attention. Between the happiness brought upon by the anticipated "firsts" of the eldest child and the satisfaction acquired from the sheltering of the youngest, the only thing that's left for me is indifference.

Why did it have to be me?

"Hello, hello? Did you find your self-esteem?"

Yep, I may be damaged.

Scars of battles lost that remain hidden under a flamboyant facade reminds me that I was a fool to believe that I can get what I want. With the pressure from society to conform to standards I don't believe in, I feel like I'm being held back. And the scars remind me that there is nothing I can do about it but just go with flow and see where the current takes me - even if I drown.

Why did it have to be like this?

"Hello, hello? Did you find your self-esteem?"

Yep, I'm about to lose hope.

Despite lots of people reaching out to help, I chose to ignore them for I remain oblivious of this one-track-mind mentality. I take for granted the people who are here for me because I focus too much on my selfish needs that I can't seem to satisfy. And I am now slowly losing hope without even noticing it.

8Stops7 - Esteem

"Hello, hello? Did you find your self-esteem?"

* * *

I'm too sleepy to even finish this post... zzzZZZzzz...

say enlightened

My good friend, Norman, dropped this line on me a few days ago when I was, yet again, making drama out of the little inconveniences in my life:

Insha'Allah.

It's roughly translates to "in God's will," he explained. At first it was weird to hear him, a Christian, say a commonly used Islamic phrase. But once I got over that, it sank into me that - yes, this is just how it should be. All these petty problems that have been bothering me lately are not worth the sleepless nights, the bad mood, and the wasted time spent in over-analyzing the why's and all the other questions that have left me stumped for weeks.

Everything in God's will.

I am not a religious person. I grew up a Catholic because it was the default religion where I came from. But despite my doubts in "man-influenced" religious beliefs, I do believe that a higher being is watching over me. Regardless if it's in Arabic or English, maybe a little bit more faith is just what's needed.

And now, for my pick-me-up video for the week...

Quoting the guy from Sonic Boom, this is "best viewed loud." Enjoy.

Urbandub - A Call To Arms

"There's no point to keep your head faced-down, when all we see, and know, and feel, is temporary."

I wish this could have been any other way

Nine Inch Nails - Every Day is Exactly the Same

This may not be what you were looking for last Thursday, my friend; but it is how it is. 

Don't worry. One of these days,  everything will go your way because you do deserve better. Trust me. Better days are yet to come.

obvious mistakes

For the past few weeks, I have been publishing articles without thoroughly reviewing them. I just check for minor typos and misspellings; publish my posts; and try to forget about it until the next day. I did that to properly assess how bad I really am at writing. 

After reviewing my previous posts, I found out that my sentences aren't as organized as I thought they were and some of my mistakes are really elementary. 

Man, have I got a long way to go. I wonder if other writers can compose good articles "on-the-fly." I sure do envy them if they do. Anyway, practice makes perfect. Besides, this is the very reason why writers have editors. We're often oblivious of our mistakes until we have slept on it.

I hope when I get to read this later I'll easily pick up what I wanted to say.      

it's magic

I just have to place this here.

I Break Horses - Winter Beats

I looked up the whole song the moment I heard it. Well, technically, I looked it up the second time around. But still, this song caught my attention because it brings me to a happy place whenever I hear it. It reminds me to value self-respect (even though I really don't understand the lyrics and "self-respect" may have nothing to do with it.) I don't know. The beat just does magic for me.  It makes me smile.

At the end of the song, I felt like I need to do things because they are what I want and not do them because others imposed them.

knowing your place

You know how the phrase "man-up" got really popular and overused a few years ago in motivational speeches?  Well, I read somewhere (almost a year ago) that it should be one of the phrases that speakers should avoid. Aside from the fact that it can be sexist, the article also pointed out a few other reasons I can no longer remember.

Anyway, this year, I'm going to coin a phrase that I'll be living by. This year, instead of "manning-up" (if there's even such an action), I will be "bitchin'-up." No, it's not about being exaggeratedly aggressive over superficial matters and being "diva-like," but rather, it is about swallowing one's pride and being someone else's bitch once in a while. Of course, this only works well on the premise that you choose correctly who you are going to be a "b*tch" for.

I have learned after years and years of self-analysis that some people, including me, are not meant to lead. I know how to be a leader and I know what it takes to be a great one, but leading is just simply not my forte. Besides, I don't find satisfaction in doing so. I am, instead, a very good "support character." I make the important inputs that a leader banks on. I do the assists that make the score. And weirdly, I find that satisfying. I am an introvert. This means I find the limelight stressful, I don't crave for the general public's approval, and neither do I care about what people think of me.

The problem here is, in today's society, everybody is being groomed to be a leader. Everyone thinks that all it needs is a great leader and everything should fall into place. People think highly of "leading" jobs, such as being a manager or a politician. Everyone glorifies the person who calls the shots so everyone wants to be the one who does so. These are probably the highest-paying jobs (at least, here in our country) so everyone tries so hard to get into a similar trade. Unfortunately, like what I've said, not everyone is cut out to lead. And since they feel that it is the only way to be "successful," they try hard to be something they're not meant to be. (Update: Like me, trying to write an article spontaneously.) And some feel compelled to do so despite not really wanting to. Truth be told, this is very evident in politics and in the corporate world.

So, for a change, I will be "bitchin-up" this year. I hope others would do so too. The people who should not be leading should just back down, b*tch-up, and support the ones who do. Leaders, on the other hand, should value their supporters and give credit where it's due.

Now, I'm off to find a leader, or any other individual, whose cause I support. If anyone wants a loyal advancer, just let me know.