thinking too much

I have a really weird but interesting dream just now. i dreamt that a very good friend of mine, who I've been very protective of over the years, just had a minor car accident. He somehow hit an old van while he was backing up out of his parking space with his AUV. Of course being the mindful friend that I am, I came to his rescue and presented myself to speak with the other party while he was still in shock. My friend is a bit timid and soft-spoken so I've always been under-estimating him. 

Anyway, before I completely forget the plot, I'll just jot it down in bullets.

- At first, I was wondering why he didn't just make a run for it. He hit a parked car. He could have just pretended nothing happened and went his way. And then I thought maybe someone saw or heard him hit the other car. So, okay, in my dreams, I'm evil.

- The owner of the other car, a beautiful yet dumb-looking girl, when out looking both angry and flusterred at the same time. It turns out she's been drinking and is already in the process of getting drunk. The evil me decided to take advantage of her state by confusing her. I was very apologetic on behalf of my friend and tried my best not to confront her. That last thing we wanted was an argument with a drunk person so I played it cool and just kept apologizing to her until she wasn't angry anymore.

- Usually, from where I come from, not everyone has car insurance. And since her van is old, I assumed that she wasn't insured anymore. The fact that she was demanding payment for the damages upfront proves that she wasn't. My friend, on the other hand, was. The other party didn't want to go through the trouble of having to coordinate with an insurance company so she insisted that we just pay a certain amount in cash, right then and there. It wasn't that big of an amount but I knew that we could shell out less money if we claim insurance.

- I convinced my friend not to give in to the other party's demand and call the police instead to file an incident report that we can use to claim insurance benefits. In my mind, I was cooking up an evil scheme. I was thinking of a way to get things in our favor by using the girl's drunken state. Maybe we can make up a lie and the police will find the other party less credible because she's taken too much alcohol.

- We were able to convince the other party to call the police instead of just paying her cash. I made up scenarios that we used to convince her that this is the better route. I even told her that she can trick the insurance company into giving her more money. (I'll just remind you guys that these all happened in a dream, so please don't judge me. Haha.)

- She agreed and told us that she'll just call her friend to come join us at the police station. Of course, having her friend accompany her is going to be bad for us. But I still agreed, wishing that her friend is also drunk. She went inside the restaurant where we were parked infront off and came out with her friend. To my dismay, her friend was sober... And much worse, her friend is an overly-protective and aggressive lesbian.

- The moment her friend stepped out, she was already spitting testosterone everywhere. She even threatened to have our heads in a plate or something. She was bent on having us pay the highest amount of "participation fee" that even having insurance will make us broke. In my dream, she was believable for some argument I can't remember. Of course, my plans were ruined so I've got to think off another evil scheme fast.

- I then came up with the idea that I'll somehow lure the lesbian friend elsewhere while my friend and the other driver settle on a more reasonable price. I have forgotten some of the events at this point but I knew that I convinced the dyke to walk with me to a fictitious police station while both our friends stayed and hopefully settle on a reasonable amount. We don't have 911, and neither do we know the police dispatch hotline so she agreed to walk with me to the nearby imaginary police station that I made up.

- After pretending to be confused and after dlivering lines like "I could've sworn there was a police station here." We went back to check on our friends. I was hoping that my friend is as evil as me and was able to take control of the situation.

- A bit nervous, I was doubtful of my friend's skill to haggle with the other party. And as it turns out, My doubts were correct. My friend looked defeated. Somehow, the drunk girl coerced him into paying almost 10 times more than the original price she was asking of earlier.

- I was really angry. But then my dream ended. I woke up cold because I forgot to cover myself up with a blanket.

So what was that about? I have the weirdest, yet elaborate dreams. Even in my sleep, I'm figuring out loopholes. Haha...

Anyway, I'm not sure what my dreams were telling me. I'm not sure if its telling me not to meddle with other people's problems? Or maybe that being evil will get you into deeper sh*t? Or maybe I must not be too confident that I can get out of a tight squeeze easily? Or maybe it's telling me that I shouldn't under estimate my friends... My dream ended abruptly so I wasn't able to verify if my friend had an ace up his sleeve.

I don't know. I guess I'll never know.

the empath

Contrary to the emo-ness of my previous post, I actually have been doing well. I think I was just bored and I was really into that 8stops7 song (that I have channelled the lyrics all too well) when I was writing that post.

I have been reading about empathy recently and I may have some distinct traits that are common with empaths. I'm not sure if the tests I took are credible, but some do say that I may be getting too affected by the things surrounding me.

I was watching TV earlier - well, I was channel surfing because I have the attention span of 5-year-old kid - and I tuned-in to a show where the protagonist was about to do something humiliating. I watched as the show built-up the suspense up to the point where the character was about to humiliate himself, but then I couldn't bring myself to watch him do so. I immediately switched channels with my eyes half-closed. I always do that. I couldn't even sit through an episode of American Idol (no, not because the show sucks...) because I don't want to watch the parts where some contestants botch up their songs.

If you are like me, then you may probably be an empath as well. The problem with this is, when I'm not aware that I'm empathizing, I tend to become overly-dramatic about the small stuff. Maybe this is because I'm not able to brush off the emotional residue I've acquired from others and I somehow make it my own? There are actually a lot of people like me who don't know that they take up a large amount of  unnecessary sh*t from other people and let it affect themselves. I'm guessing that this is also the same reason why I'm introverted. Hanging around with a lot of people can really be tiresome if I'm unconsciously empathizing with them.

But then again, this isn't entirely true.

I had a conversation with Ivan about life the other day. Unlike most of my friends, Ivan falls under the "financially troubled" category. You'd expect that our conversation would be too emotionally draining, but no... It was actually the opposite. Despite the hardships that "less fortunate" people go through, you'll be amazed at how some people can easily laugh their way through them and still remain optimistic. We laughed about how he managed to survive with a can of Spam and lots and lots of rice for two days. And we laughed about the things he has to do just to get through the day. It really is all just a matter of perspective and it's fortunate for me that as an empath, I was able to absorb his enthusiasm, optimism, and hope.

esteem

"Hello, hello? Did you find your self-esteem?"

Yep, I've got issues.

Maybe because I was born a middle child that I've become prone to being envious of the people around me. I've got a constant need to be better than everyone else because, by default, that is the only way for me to get attention. Between the happiness brought upon by the anticipated "firsts" of the eldest child and the satisfaction acquired from the sheltering of the youngest, the only thing that's left for me is indifference.

Why did it have to be me?

"Hello, hello? Did you find your self-esteem?"

Yep, I may be damaged.

Scars of battles lost that remain hidden under a flamboyant facade reminds me that I was a fool to believe that I can get what I want. With the pressure from society to conform to standards I don't believe in, I feel like I'm being held back. And the scars remind me that there is nothing I can do about it but just go with flow and see where the current takes me - even if I drown.

Why did it have to be like this?

"Hello, hello? Did you find your self-esteem?"

Yep, I'm about to lose hope.

Despite lots of people reaching out to help, I chose to ignore them for I remain oblivious of this one-track-mind mentality. I take for granted the people who are here for me because I focus too much on my selfish needs that I can't seem to satisfy. And I am now slowly losing hope without even noticing it.

8Stops7 - Esteem

"Hello, hello? Did you find your self-esteem?"

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I'm too sleepy to even finish this post... zzzZZZzzz...