perfect procrastination

I just diagnosed myself to having Contingent-worth anxiety. I honestly don’t know what those words mean but I am certain that it is what I have. I read that from an article in lifehacker and its timing couldn’t have been better.

Here’s my story.

I usually like going to work, believe it or not. I barely use my leaves and I’m very well motivated – that is until a few weeks ago.

I really can’t explain it. Suddenly, I just wanted to stop reporting for work. I wanted to use up all my leaves and just do other stuff instead. During that time, I haven’t put much though into it so I wasn’t sure if this mood was brought about by the fact that:

• I’m not properly compensated (We NEVER are, right?)
• Our team underwent another re-org
• Most of my closest friends have left the company
• I barely have the chance to touch-base with my friends at work

But it wasn’t due to any of those reasons. I know this because:

• I get by with the money that I have
• I don’t care whom my boss is reporting to
• My closest friends are still my closest friends even if we are no longer working for the same company
• Its not the end of the world if I don’t get to hear Mark’s jokes or listen to Therese’s and Isaac’s misadventures. Although not getting enough attention from them can be a little bit disheartening – but still, I can work without it.

So, for the past few weeks, I was stuck with this mood, not knowing how to handle it.

And then I stumbled upon this article on procrastination due to perfectionism. It states that some perfectionists (including me) tend to procrastinate a lot because they want to make our output as perfect as humanly possible. I didn’t know that you can even relate perfectionism with procrastination but it sure does make sense.

The task that I’m working on at the moment is not really doomed to fail, however, in my opinion, I just know that it won’t be successful either. I kept on delaying my deliverables hoping that I will find a way to make it work better. As the days go by, I dreaded the day my boss follows up on my task’s status. My anxiety grew more and more to the point where I felt stressed even if I’ve just spent half of my shift browsing non-work-related sites.

I haven’t fixed this problem yet, but, at least now, I know what it is that I’m dealing with. And it’s a start. Hopefully, by next week, I should be back to my normal productive self.