Some people are naturally charismatic. I’ve blogged about this very same topic almost a decade ago. I was trying to put into words what having ‘charisma’ means. I’ve summed it up to one simple statement: For me it was the ability of a person to make you feel good whenever you are with him (or her). If just by hanging out with this person you forget all your troubles, you feel good about yourself and you feel infused with a positive outlook in life, then that person exudes charisma.
I’ve been told that I have charisma – but I just see myself as a very troubled person. I admit that I have a lot of skeletons in my closet and I had my share of depressions and self-loathing. Knowing my weaknesses and their consequences, I do my best each and every day not to succumb to them. I keep a happy face and make sure that no one around me knows what hell I’m going through. For years I’ve been doing this and people actually compliment me for having this ‘unique’ positivity. I’ve been asked several times how I managed to stay positive despite facts that would normally drive us to the opposite direction and I would just tell them ‘I don’t know.’ Of course I was flattered – but if they only knew how much effort I’ve given behind that, they’d probably laugh at me for being such a sorry a**. I have false charisma, if there is even such a term.
Today, I’m slowly sinking to my lowest. People are taking me for granted and my need to feel ‘important’ is not being nourished. Perhaps, maybe, I really am unimportant. Today, I’ve sunk a new low. Tomorrow, I‘m going to put up another smile on my face and tell myself and everyone around me that everything is going to be all right.
But it’s not. And I think I may already need help.
Sometimes, I just need someone to make me forget my troubles. I just need to meet someone who can make me feel good about myself. Someone who can make me feel needed. But it’s not going to happen. Not to me. Tsk.
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Hay, buhay… :-\
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