I stood up to get a glass of water. I was sitting at the side of my bed for an hour, thinking about things that transpired during the previous days. I was confused, I was restless, and I was lonely.

As I drank, the cold water drenched my dry mouth. Every drop of water sent a soothing sensation down my throat. I’ve been feeling thirsty the whole day and every gulp helped made my mind feel more and more relaxed. The brain freeze I got from the cold water helped ease the pain I’ve been feeling on my temples. I’ve have been drinking lots of water since morning. This proves that I may not actually be thirsty for water – I am longing for something else, something else that I can’t seem to get a hold of.

“I feel the pain, teaching us how much more we can take. Reminding us how far we’ve come.” The song said as it blasted from my computer’s speakers. I’ve set up a playlist to help me keep myself distracted but instead, it seems to be doing quite the opposite. I’m feeling very miserable. So miserable for not getting what I wanted. Perhaps, this is how I should be feeling. Perhaps I should be accepting how sad I made my life to be. Anyway, the pain will just remind me how I’ve helped myself last this long. The pain will remind me that I can overcome this. And I will. Like how I did several times before.

I want to say that things aren’t usually like this, but I can’t. I’d be lying if I said so. I have been very unhappy for quite some time now. I’ve just tried so hard to cover it up. To make myself believe that this is really the closest I can get to being happy. I’ve been keeping myself grounded. I consider myself optimistic; however, I also do consider myself practical and logical at the same time. Normally, I would allow myself to dream. I would allow myself to think that things will get better in time. That all I need is a little more trust and patience towards fate. I would even go against my own logic, blinded that things will turn out how I dreamt it. Hoping that this is a step towards the great plan the higher beings have laid down before me.

But it is not. It never will be. And I may just be wasting my time and my energy.

I feel thirsty again. I need another glass of water.